I hope you didn’t anticipate any record of favorites from me – liking issues will not be actually my core competence. So, right here is my record of the ten issues I hate most about birding.
Owling
Julius Caesar apparently mentioned, “I like treason however hate the traitor”. For me, it’s “I like owls however hate owling”. See, I’m a morning particular person – getting up an hour earlier than dawn is not any downside for me, even when dawn occurs to be at 4 am. However to exit birding after dinner – a horror. That is the time I need to be close to a pc, a beer, a cat, and a mattress – not out within the discipline listening to some hen information’s rambles about how “this owl is normally very secure right here” whereas I need to inform him to close up and let me go to mattress, ungrateful prick that I’m. Nonetheless, they trick me into going out owling nearly each time, only for the minute likelihood of seeing one among these flying cats.
Being in locations with out beer
Luckily, this occurs pretty hardly ever, and never essentially in locations I am going to for birding (the longest with out beer in my dwelling reminiscence was for about 16 days in Afghanistan in 2023, and boy, this was a protracted stretch). Nonetheless, it simply occurred to me in some village on Halmahera the place all people is Muslim and thus doesn’t imagine within the magic therapeutic powers of beer. For sure, I obtained cranky and blamed the hen information regardless that it was fully my fault to not refill at one other village the place a dependable (and presumably within the eyes of the neighbors, unscrupulous) Chinese language offered the native Bintang beer.
Fellow birders displaying me their hen images whereas I’m birding
I ought to most likely put together an indication in a dozen languages (most significantly Chinese language) stating the next: “The explanation why I’m out within the discipline now with my digicam is that I’m making an attempt to take images of birds. It’s not that I’m searching for a chance to be proven hen images taken by different folks. If I needed to have a look at hen images, I might achieve this from the consolation of my residence, with a cat on one facet and a beer on the opposite – plus, the images would seemingly be higher too. Thanks in your understanding”.
Being instructed that “it isn’t the very best season”
There’s something mystical about the very best season for seeing my goal birds – particularly, at any time when I’m at a given location, it isn’t the very best season to see that hen. In some way this sounds a bit like Schrödinger’s Cat, although I’ve to confess that I don’t totally perceive the analogy myself. In any case, in such conditions I typically want any individual had the braveness to inform me one thing like “It’s precisely the proper season to see this hen – however you’re simply so damned unfortunate”.
People who smoke
Whereas the data that some practices are unhealthy – similar to smoking or not utilizing seat belts – has been unfold broadly in some international locations, it would nonetheless take a number of a long time to succeed in most of the greatest birding places in locations similar to Southeast Asia, regardless of us purportedly dwelling in an age the place data is the brand new black and it supposedly spreads on the pace of sunshine. Which in China can imply I nonetheless need to share a hen blind meant for 10 folks with 9 heavy people who smoke. Most of the birds visiting these blinds subsequently die of lung most cancers, after all.
Leaf Warblers and Subspecies
If whereas birding I’m ever going to fulfill a particularly enticing, wealthy, single, clever, and humorous girl who shows a robust curiosity each in leaf warblers and in numerous but similar-looking subspecies of average-looking birds, I would faux I’m too. In any other case, I can’t be bothered.
Being instructed to be affected person whereas ready for a hen
If there may be one factor I’ve by no means been good at and by no means will likely be, it’s to be affected person. This has all the time made the usual job interview query “What’s your best weak spot” a bit awkward for me, as admitting to impatience is such a boring and predictable reply that presumably no person makes use of it anymore except they apply for a job for which being boring and predictable is a robust asset (I hear accountants are suggested to offer precisely this reply in job interviews). So, pricey hen information: Don’t inform me to be affected person. Inform the hen to rush up.
Birders who’ve already seen your goal hen – however have seen it higher
You lastly see your goal. You might be comfortable and glad, and would possibly even point out your sighting to a different birder. Instantly, he (sure, it’s normally a he – it’s a testosterone factor) factors out that he has not solely seen the hen – he has seen it 3 times already, as soon as in an uncommon location, as soon as in an uncommon season, and as soon as in an uncommon flock of birds. As killing this man is normally not an possibility (there are witnesses), you may solely counter by telling him that he may not have seen this species in any respect, as it’s all too simply confused with one other, rather more widespread species (see my award-winning essay “How Wars Begin” for extra particulars).
Using as a passenger on a bike
In sure international locations (sure, I’m you, Indonesia), motorbike taxis are nonetheless considered a non-suicidal type of transportation. I are likely to disagree with this over-optimistic assumption – sitting behind a younger native male and holding on to his hips for all times has restricted attraction for me as a heterosexual male. Sadly, typically the birds appear to assemble at spots that may solely be reached this fashion. Birds, you actually must be extra thoughtful.
Encountering massive birding tour teams
Admittedly, my love of humankind – notably its bigger agglomerations – is proscribed. So, it comes as a shock to me when birding on a supposedly distant Indonesian island, abruptly 4 automobiles cease and about 12 birders who can solely very charitably be described as middle-aged get out. After which take heed to a younger, overconfident, and presumably Australian tour information very loudly mentioning the few birds within the space that also stay after this assault.
I first needed so as to add “birders” to the record as properly, however possibly that could be a bit too unfavorable even for me …
In fact, birding additionally has its constructive elements – similar to not leaving a lot time for changing into a heroin addict. However I believe it’s higher to cowl these in a separate record. Count on a publication in early 2031.
