Within the wee hours of 24 October 2020, Kajal Srivastava was standing on the balcony of her residence in Better Noida. Staring down from the eighth flooring of her house, she yearned to leap off the balcony.
The outcomes for one of the crucial difficult examinations within the nation – the UPSC Civil Providers Examination (CSE) – had been out and she or he didn’t make it to the listing but once more.
“I needed to turn into an IPS officer. I used to be so positive of my success however I didn’t clear UPSC even in my final likelihood. I couldn’t dare to inform anybody concerning the outcome. I needed to leap off the balcony not as a result of I had failed once more however as a result of I used to be drained. I used to be too drained to show myself. I used to be too drained to present myself extra possibilities. I needed peace immediately,” she recollects in dialog with The Higher India.
Her sister discovered her on this weak state and hugged her tightly as she sobbed in her arms. “She informed me that I used to be not a failure and if I couldn’t serve the nation by turning into an IPS officer, then one other huge alternative was ready for me,” Kajal provides.
That day, Kajal mustered the energy and sat down at her research desk. On a clean sheet of paper, she wrote “TAVASI – my motion of braveness”.
The six-year-long hustle
After graduating from Hansraj Faculty, Delhi, Kajal took admission in a prestigious teaching institute in Rajendra Nagar to organize for UPSC CSE. Her day began with attending teaching lessons from 8 to 11 within the morning.
“I might come to my room, which was extra like a gap. It had a small mattress with termites and mattress bugs, a small chair, a desk, and an almirah. There was a small exhaust fan which was the one supply of pure mild and air flow. Anyone may turn into claustrophobic in that room,” she recollects.
“And I used to be paying Rs 14,000 for that tiny room. I couldn’t ask for more cash from my dad and mom. I had already spent Rs 2 lakh on teaching charges. Step one for me was to outlive on this setting,” she provides.
Away from the comforts of her residence, Kajal devoted herself to preparation. In 2014, she gave her first try however couldn’t clear the preliminary stage. She reappeared for the examination in 2015 however failed once more.
“By then, everyone began telling my dad and mom that I used to be losing their money and time. In the meantime, I used to be surviving on a naked minimal life-style, typically skipping meals. If I met a good friend or slept further, I felt responsible. I began remaining anxious and have become overweight. This was adopted by illnesses like thyroid and PCOS,” she says.
At a time when her buddies had been both getting married or settling overseas, the 32-year-old was sitting in her tiny room surrounded by books.
In 2016, she went on to look for the prelims exams however a tragedy struck. “A day earlier than the prelims, I skilled a extreme abdomen ache. The physician suggested rapid surgical procedure for appendicitis. I requested him to present me some ache reduction in order that no less than I may seem for the examination,” she shares.
Whereas going to the centre, Kajal fainted and was dropped at the hospital. The surgical procedure was carried out on the day of her examination.
“My whole yr was wasted. However I had no Plan B. I continued to check all day and night time. And I began enhancing in my mock papers,” she provides.
In 2017, Kajal gave her third try however couldn’t clear the examination. This continued till she exhausted all six makes an attempt by 2020.
“I didn’t perceive what was improper with me. I might rating good marks in my mocks. However once I would seem for the primary examination, I might turn into clean. I knew the questions however regardless of that, I might make errors. All of the taunts questioning my skills would come dashing again. I may solely hear one voice, ‘You may’t do that’,” she provides.
For a very long time after the outcome announcement, Kajal couldn’t dare to go to Rajendra Nagar because it introduced again all of the painful recollections of her preparation journey.
Failed at UPSC, not in life
Kajal says she will be able to’t relate to the earlier model of herself anymore. She credit this transformation to Kalaripayattu – recognised because the oldest surviving martial artwork in India.
She shares how she was launched to the artwork. “As a toddler, I used to be fascinated by lathbaaji (the game of mastering assault methods utilizing an extended wood stick) from a Bollywood movie Virasat. As soon as, a yoga practitioner got here to my residence and talked about Kalaripayattu, which may give me an opportunity to study numerous martial artwork methods,” she recollects.
In 2017, whereas getting ready for her third try, Kajal joined a gurukulam (residential studying centre). “Every time I practised the artwork, I felt composed and calm. This got here as a saviour to me once I was struggling in my preparation journey. From day one, I made a decision I might by no means depart this artwork,” she provides.
“Practising this artwork requires you to grasp numerous posture actions that basically helped me in curing my spondylitis, thyroid, regulating physique weight, and controlling my psychological state. I felt it was therapeutic the damaged me. It was miraculous for me. I used to be turning into a distinct individual,” Kajal provides.
She says that after becoming a member of Kalaripayattu, which is taken into account one of the crucial troublesome martial arts to grasp, she started excelling. “My guru Shinto Mathew confirmed confidence in me and stated I used to be born to make a profession in it. For the primary time, anyone confirmed belief in me and informed me that I may do higher,” says Kajal, who’s mastering the third stage of the four-stage artwork by means of metallic weaponry.
Kajal discovered solace in Kalaripayattu and went on to turn into an assistant trainer at her gurukulam. Along with her TAVASI motion, she has carried out a number of workshops to advertise the artwork and has assisted greater than 2,000 individuals residing in trauma to seek out solace.
One among her college students, Amit Sharma, shares his expertise of working with Kajal in mastering Kalari, “The artwork could be very near my coronary heart. It has taught me quite a bit about myself and the way historical warriors ready for battle or any scenario. I can put together my thoughts and physique equally. This has been rewarding. Kajal helped me establish my strengths and work on my weaknesses. In consequence, I really feel fitter and extra at peace.”
Not too long ago, she additionally launched a startup ‘Swadesi Sports activities Put on’ to interchange artificial activewear with pure fibres like cotton, linen, and khadi. “After a private expertise of fungal an infection as a consequence of artificial garments, I labored on making activewear appropriate for heavy exercises,” she says.
At present, trying again at her journey, Kajal says, “Had it not been for Kalari, I might not have survived. This artwork saved my life. I might be a UPSC failure, however I didn’t fail in life. I’m pleased with myself that I didn’t hand over. I restarted my life and as we speak I’m glad that I didn’t clear the examination.”
Edited by Khushi Arora. All photographs: Kajal Srivastava.
